It was time to start training. It was time to put down my beer, turn off the horrible 1974 post-apocalypse movie I was watching, get off of the couch, and begin the work-up for the Chia Challenge. I knew what I had to do; run the actual Chia Challenge Course. Yeah, I can do it cold.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. Most of my ideas seem epic and glorious when I think of them, but usually prove to be impractical or painful when executed (like the time I stuck my hand in the toaster to build up a tolerance to heated surfaces).
I decided to give the Fieldline Tactical Pack another try. I loaded it up with 32 pounds of gear, laced up my shoes, and hit the road. Everything seemed great until the 7 mile mark. That is when I began to feel the twinge of a cramp in my right calf. I attempted to suck it up. I just kept telling myself that I could make it. I used a bit of mind over matter and all that motivational stuff. It seemed to be working but then the cramp got a bit worse. It was time to self-motivate again. I just kept asking myself, “What if there were zombies chasing you”? The cramp answered my question.
It hit so hard that my leg shot up into a crane stance Kung fu style. I began to dance around on one leg as if I had a young Charlie Sheen yelling “dance you one legged mother f*cker” while shooting an M16 at my one good foot. It didn’t end there. Oh no, it could never just end there. As I was hopping around on one leg it also cramped up and shot out from under me. I hit the ground hard.
I went back to the visualization of zombies moving in on me. I attempted to stand up, grunting in pain as I stood. I felt victorious as I took that first step. No sooner had I shifted my weight to my forward foot did the cramps retake the title of victor. Both calves cramped again. It didn’t take long for the message to reach my brain that I was hitting the ground hard. You win again, Gravity. The most I could do was to twist my body so I landed on my other side so that both ass cheeks would be equally bruised. I love symmetry.
At that point I decided that if there were zombies chasing me I would just save the last bullet for myself. The last thing that the survivors in a post-apocalyptic world needed was for me to become a zombie. There would be no chance for humanity then. Damn I am noble. I also decided that enough is enough. It is time to truly get into proper shape. It is time to conquer! Unfortunately that means some hard work and self-evaluation. That is when I once again brought in Ryan Tellberg of Tellberg’s Gym and asked him to do but one thing for me. Turn me from mortal that I currently am into a God of the Apocalypse™!